Apparently I have a flare for the dramatics. This is great for my writing but not so much for my friends and family. My last post, Crying Over Spilled Milk, was quite pessimistic and dismal. I didn’t mean to upset anyone or cause panic. I sat alone in my apartment for a week following my last procedure and cabin fever set in. I was going crazy and didn’t realize it.
A silver lining has emerged. It always does.
As with all my blogging, I worked on Spilled Milk for several days. I wrote, rewrote, edited, edited, edited - paragraphs were revamped and whole sentences added or deleted. The process was somber but immensely therapeutic. I realize now I was complaining about my situation and feeling sorry for myself. And it seems as though I wanted everyone else to feel sorry for me too. The night I hit submit I awoke at 2 am, thoughts flooding my head. Allowing things to just happen to me is not acceptable, I picked up a book I started a year ago and flipped to the first page. For lack of a better phrase, I’m “self-help” junkie - I read anything I can get my hands on about healing and spirituality. My favorites are A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle, The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown (and everything else she has written), The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, and The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. So, naturally a random book left sitting on my bedside table for year should have some answers. I gravitate towards historical fiction and non-fiction when I have a moment to read something that doesn’t pertain to my graduate classes. In an attempt to become a legitimate writer, I’m working on my Masters in English and Creative Writing. That night as Lola’s sweet, kitty snores filled my ears, I began Anatomy of the Spirit by Caroline Myss.
This book is about energy healing. It reveals the hidden stresses, beliefs, and attitudes that cause illness. “Every thought you have had has traveled through your biological system and activated a physiological response…. Those that carry emotional, mental, psychological or spiritual energy produce biological responses that are then stored in our cellular memory. In this way our biographies are woven into our biological systems, gradually, slowly, every day.” All parts of our bodies are connected spiritually and biologically through the seven centers of spiritual and physical power - the Hindu chakras, the Christian sacraments, and the Kabbalah's Tree of Life. Dr. Myss shows how to cultivate personal power and spiritual growth through the healing of each center. “Illnesses develop as a consequence of behavioral patterns and attitudes that we do not realize are biologically toxic until they have already become so.” I grabbed a journal (I have a lot of these lying around - empty and otherwise - journaling is one of my healthier addictions) and started writing down my feelings and experiences and thoughts. My "health journal," as I'm calling it, is now filled with the teachings of this book, the emotions I've felt over the past few years, the epiphanies I've had since the darkness, and all things healing related.
A crisis, which it seems I was having, tells us “we need to break free from beliefs that no longer serve our personal development.” Sulking most definitely doesn't serve development. All circumstances can be changed in a moment, and all illness can be healed. The Devine is not limited by human time, space, or physical concerns. The protagonist in every story starts somewhere, usually a less than ideal situation. Maybe they are poor or weak. Maybe they are sick of having tumors and want their long hair back. Either way, a series of events shows them a path to their powers and they emerge victorious. At 2 am I realized I am a powerful hero. I can heal. I am making things more difficult than they need to be. “Achieving health, happiness, and an energy balance comes down to deciding to focus more on the positive than on the negative and to live in a manner spiritually congruent with that we know is the truth. Making those two commitments alone is sufficient to allow the power contained within our Diving biological system to influence the content and direction of our lives.” I have a great amount of power and I needed to reclaim it. Also, cookies help. And the tree outside my living room window blooming.
Our “experiences become encoded in our biological systems and contribute to the formation of our cell tissue, which then generates a quality of energy that reflects those emotions.” I do not want my systems flooded with cells created by negative emotions. My personal challenges are part of a Divine plan. I have to “let go and let God” open my healing path. Let go of my need to know why things have happened as they have. I am here right now; the past is gone, the future is not here yet. I am alive. I have everything I need. I must be easy on myself. My current state of rollercoastering through emotions is probably due to the sheer volume of issues. I can handle this and this too shall pass. I also have to remember that I don’t have to do this alone and can turn over much of this worry and suffering to God. A time for everything and everything in its time. Challenging events in our lives are a form of spiritual direction.
“The ability to choose is an active power - and the sensation of having active power is both thrilling and threatening because it makes us want to change those parts of of our lives that are no longer appropriate. And changing those parts inspires us to challenge other aspects of our lives that are not satisfactory.” I can’t compare myself to others. In my dark place, envious and jealous thoughts penetrate my usually compassionate mind frame. All my friends and family were traveling or with their significant others, enjoying their healthy lives and gorgeous hair (I’m obsessed with hair these days). Instead of being happy for them I was covetous and I don’t have room for this poison in my mind. "In the language of confession, these therapeutic milestones are the same as calling our spirits back from negative missions on which we have sent them." I want a healthy happy attitude. Only I can make this happen.
I found this AMAZING article in my lasted Psychology Today magazine. It sheds light on living with cancer in a way I couldn't. Click here for the link.
Thank you to everyone who called, texted, emailed, IMed in the days after Crying Over Spilled Milk. I’m sorry I forgot how much I am loved. I can be a little crazy sometimes - just one of my many endearing qualities. Hahaha! Smiley face.
